‘Jokes’
Two cows were talking in the field one day.
First Cow: Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that’s going around?
Second Cow: Yeah, makes you glad you’re a penguin, doesn’t it?
A newcomer was drinking in an Old West saloon when a cowboy ran through the swinging doors, yelling, “Big Jake’s a’comin’!”
The place immediately emptied, leaving the newcomer and his beer alone at the bar. Sure enough, soon a seven-foot tall, 350-pound cowboy swaggered in, barely fitting through the double doors.
He glanced around the saloon and, seeing no one but our friend, marched over to him, grabbed him by the scruff of the neck, threw him over the bar, and bellowed, “Gimme whisky!”
The shaken man complied, found a full bottle, and placed it and a glass on the bar. The huge cowboy bit the glass neck right off the bottle, spat it on the floor, and emptied the fifth in one giant swig.
The newcomer, not sure what to do next, timidly asked, “Uh, do you want another?”
“Nope,” the cowboy growled. “Gotta go. Big Jake’s a’comin’!”
“Today’s mighty oak is yesterday’s nut that held its ground.”
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for is annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”
Two teams of American and Japanese corporations have a boat race. On the big day the Japanese win by a mile and the discouraged Americans hire a consulting firm to investigate the problem.
The findings are that the Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering while the American team had one rower and eight people steering.
Based on these results, the American team is completely reorganized to include four steering managers, four steering area managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The following year the Japanese win again, so the Americans lay off the rower for poor performance and give the manager a bonus for discovering the problem.
What do you get when you bite a ghost?
A mouth full of sheet.